I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
