Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
