hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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