i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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