how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
