I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
