i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize