I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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