apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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