I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
