i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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