Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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