Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
