The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
