If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's get the cat blown out
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
