She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
