Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
