Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
