I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
