There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you told grandpa to call you daddy
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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