as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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