You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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