Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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