dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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