thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
