thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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