I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
