today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
