Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's official drugs can't kill me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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