Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
