Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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