I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
