it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
