i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
