I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
