you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
