i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
