At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
