So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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