Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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