It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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