We're facebook friends in real life
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
