2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
