So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize