I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
