when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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