oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Two words: blizzard sex
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