I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
