so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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