I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My vagina is officially offended.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
