Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
