I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
