I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
