Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
