you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
