i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
