My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
