Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
