You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
