im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
