Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
